My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
