I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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