Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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