She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
