Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Dicks are not precious.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
