she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize