apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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