Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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