I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
