I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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