He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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