I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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