yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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