Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
