They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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