Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize