I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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