don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
