my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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