everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
