a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
