fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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