I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
