Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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