Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
