I think i peed on brittanys purse
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
