she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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