why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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