I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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