Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
