Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
