There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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