He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
