Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
