Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
