Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
