He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
