Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
