can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
