Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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