Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Did I show you my penis last night?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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