Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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