I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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