Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
