yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
