you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
