I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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