I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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