I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
