Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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