note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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