I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
