i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
