Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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