I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
