i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
