If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
