I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
