Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
