So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
