She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Randomize
