She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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