don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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