____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
