I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
