that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We had to coat check the pizza.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize